


Empty Road.

by thesameoldfairytale



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Aged-Up Otabek Altin, Aged-Up Yuri Plisetsky, Depression, Guilt, M/M, Past break-up, Remorse, Shame, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-07-03 18:21:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15824400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesameoldfairytale/pseuds/thesameoldfairytale
Summary: Yuri's life spirals downwards more and more, and no one seems to get through to him. An injury, a break-up and a death, everything happens at once and Yuri feels completely lost as a consequence. The question is whether or not he has the strength to pull himself out of his misery or of he needs a little help to get back to his old self?





	Empty Road.

**Author's Note:**

> I had a shitty day yesterday and this here is the result of that. The mature rating is not for smutty content for once but for other themes such as depression, self-neglect and suicidal thoughts which are all things that are not explicitedly mentioned but obvious when you read between the lines. I debated whether or not I wanted to publish this here because neither the content nor the writing is very good but I thought I could also shake things up a bit and show you guys something less smutty for a change, so yeah, it is what it is. Enjoy... if you can.

It had been exactly one hundred and thirty-eight days since Yuri had begun to suck. Even he had to admit that his skating had taken such a surprisingly bad turn that he barely risked to show his face in public these days.

Shortly after the Grand Prix Final in Marseille, Yuri had gone off the deep end. Things had changed in more ways than one and it was fair to say that he hadn’t adapted very well. First he suffered a horrible broken wrist during his Free Skate in Marseille, resulting in Yakov refusing to let him on the ice for quite some time. Then his grandfather unexpectedly passed away shortly after Christmas, causing Yuri to miss the European Championships because he just hadn’t been up to it mentally. 

The World Championships had been nothing but a complete disaster. The score for his Short Programme had been so awful that he didn’t even advance to the Free Skate. To an outsider it must have looked like he just had a bad season but it wasn’t as simple as that.

Shortly after his grandfather’s death, Yuri had isolated himself more and more. At first he just began to ignore calls and texts from friends, then he stopped going to ballet practice and eventually only trained on his own on the ice. He snuck into the rink after hours when no one else was there. They had never talked about it but Yakov knew what he was doing. He had tried to get Yuri to get himself together but it was all for nothing. 

There was no one who got through to Yuri. When his grandpa died, he lost the only person he trusted unconditionally.

Actually, that wasn’t entirely true. Just before Christmas, he had already lost the one other person who had ever had the power to get him to listen.

Otabek and him had been together for three years by the time things ended between them. Yuri still didn’t really understand why they decided to break things off. It was such a blur, the freezing hotel room, his tears and Otabek closing the door behind him as Yuri watched him walk away. 

Almost five months have passed since then and he hadn’t spoken to Otabek since he left him alone in his hotel room in Marseille. He had refused to let his pain show, pretended that it didn’t affect him, even though everyone could see right through him.

Yuri had lashed out at everyone for the first couple of weeks but energy had soon left him entirely. He retreated into his own little world, his thoughts spinning around with no real destination in mind. When his grandfather died in a cold and sterile hospital bed, the tiny bit of sanity he had still been holding on to got washed away instantly.

His skating suffered but that wasn’t all. It was Yuri himself who suffered in silence and on his own. He had begun to refuse to open his door, he even managed to completely ignore his friends after a while, pretending that there was no one on the other side of his door waiting for him to answer. 

After his failure at the World Championships, Yuri had shut himself off from everyone. Victor, Yuuri, Mila and Yuuko, even Lilia, Yakov and Georgi had tried to get him to open up, to talk about what was happening to him but he was so lost in his own world by then that he didn’t even see their rescue attempts as worry or concern. He just brushed them off.

Going to the rink was unimaginable, he had no energy or willpower to honour his scheduled charity appearances and other skating events. He cancelled everything that required him to leave his apartment. His phone was more turned off than on, even getting up in the morning was more a chore than anything else. He had stopped eating regularly a long time ago, only feeding himself with canned soups and other things he could easily heat up in the microwave.

Yuri’s passion for his skates had turned grey, practically non-existent when it used to be the brightest star on his horizon. It used to be everything he lived for, the one thing he would give his soul for but now, now it seemed like Yuri had lost everything. He was drowning in misery, one that threatened to slowly but surely suffocate him.

It was easier now to stop trying to get out of it on his own. It was easier to just give in and give up.

With barely open eyes, he noticed how Potya was lurking around his bedroom, casually looking up at him from time to time. Yuri couldn’t remember the last time he got up to feed her but she seemed fine, so he couldn’t bring himself to leave his nest on the bed.

He was bundled up in a bunch of blankets, his knees pulled up close to his chest, his arms hugging his legs. Squeezing his eyes shut, Yuri tried hard to fall asleep again. His dreams had turned blank a long time ago. Whenever he slept these days, he felt safe, safe from the world and more and more pain that was undoubtedly coming for him soon enough.

When he woke up again, bright sunlight was streaming through the curtains of his bedroom and Potya was gone. For the briefest of moments he felt guilty for ignoring her so much but the feeling was gone just as quickly as it came. He just couldn’t bring himself to care. 

He forced himself to turn around under his fort of blankets to get the sun out of his face, but when he did he found something or rather someone he wasn’t expecting at all. Truth be told, he wasn’t expecting anyone anymore. Yuri was so convinced that he had no one, that no one cared about him and he really would not have been surprised if that was actually true. 

Yuri blinked a couple of times, his tired eyes heavier than he expected. For a few seconds he thought he had finally begun to hallucinate but he would recognise that tiny but absolutely gorgeous smile anywhere. 

Otabek really was there and Yuri had absolutely no idea why.

He wanted to at least sit up but he had gotten so weak over the past couple of weeks that he didn’t even manage to do that. Struggling to keep the tears at bay, the ones he thought he couldn’t even produce anymore, he squeezed his eyes shut again.

“Yura,” Otabek whispered, the mattress dipping a little bit as he moved a little closer.

Yuri refused to open his eyes but he felt Otabek’s soft fingers on his hollow cheeks, pushing some of his fuzzy hair back behind his ear.

He remembered that Otabek had never given him his key back when they ended things but he was still surprised to see him. Yuri was embarrassed to say the least, not just about the way he looked but also about the fact that Otabek probably thought he owed Yuri something by checking in on him. He couldn’t explain it to himself any other way.

Pulling up the blankets even more, Yuri tried to hide himself behind it, tried to avoid the conversation he deep down knew he wouldn’t be able to escape.

“Yura, please,” Otabek pleaded with him, his voice surprisingly steady yet caring, “let me see you.”

Refusing to show himself, Yuri finally opened his eyes. He looked at Otabek, the only other person besides his grandfather he ever truly loved. His wet eyelashes made Otabek appear blurry but even like this, everything about him was so painfully familiar. 

“Why are you here?” Yuri choked out, his words broken and barely audible.

Otabek stroked his greasy hair without a care in the world and that made Yuri feel even worse. It was almost like they hadn’t spend almost five months apart, like it was just another day of Yuri feeling sorry for himself after he failed to perfect a jump for a routine.

“Everyone’s worried about you, Yura,” Otabek told him but it didn’t surprise Yuri in the least.

He had grown to despise himself for shutting his friends out but that part of him that just didn’t care anymore grew steadily every day and at some point he just stopped giving a shit.

“I’m fine,” Yuri said, knowing full well that he wasn’t even convincing himself with that statement.

“You’re clearly not,” Otabek disagreed, yet he didn’t stop petting Yuri’s hair.

Yuri hated how comforting that simple gesture was. He wanted to slap himself for missing Otabek as he had tried so hard to tell himself that Otabek was better off without him. 

It was a ridiculous thought but Yuri forced his tired body to turn around again, hoping that Otabek would just leave him alone, but it was all for nothing. Instead he felt how Otabek lifted the corners of however many blankets Yuri was actually under only to scoot close to him.

There were more tears threatening to spill from Yuri’s tired eyes when Otabek snuck his arm around his scaringly thin waist. He had never been very buff or big, he was always on the more delicate side of things but even he knew that his current weight was horrifically low.

His mind went back to happier times when Otabek pushed his hair aside and pressed a short, warm kiss to the side of his neck. It was almost like a flashback, one that summed up their entire three-year relationship in just a second. Yuri only then allowed himself to feel again, to feel how much he truly missed Otabek. He just never wanted to admit that to anyone, least of all himself.

Underneath the blankets, Yuri reached down where Otabek’s hand was holding onto him on his stomach. He was clasping his hand and entwining their fingers, giving in to his desire to be close to Otabek. 

A strong urge to just go to sleep again overcame him then. He thought if he just shut his eyes, he could treasure this moment for a little while longer. In reality he knew that Otabek was probably only there because everyone else had asked him to be, but for just a brief moment Yuri could at least pretend that he was there of his own free will. That he was there because he actually still cared about Yuri. 

“You need help, Yura,” Otabek whispered right into his ear, dragging him out of his little wonderland in an instant.

“I’m fine,” Yuri begrudgingly replied, repeating himself as he instinctively held onto Otabek’s hand even more than before, afraid of letting go and kind of proving the exact opposite of what he had just said.

“Yura,” Otabek whispered once more, his name spiling from Otabek’s lips again sending a bone-chilling shiver down his spine.

Otabek sounded desperate, like he wanted to argue and try to make Yuri see what he had turned into but Yuri wouldn’t be able to bear hearing any of that. 

“Just stay with me a little while longer,” Yuri mumbled, already too weak and too tired to object to anything Otabek might have said, even if he had wanted to.

There was no response from Otabek at all then, just his body heat engulfing Yuri completely. He revelled in Otabek’s company, thinking about what might have been if they hadn’t decided to end their relationship. So many things had gone wrong since Marseille and it had all snowballed so fast and so far that Yuri had no way to stop it.

He couldn’t remember when he had fallen asleep, only that he had imagined Otabek by his side. When he was woken up by the one person he had been sure was only a figment of his imagination before, Yuri was startled to find Otabek crouching down in front of him, gently caressing his sunken in cheeks.

“Hey,” Otabek said, the hurt and fear in his eyes noticeable, even to Yuri who barely managed to open his eyes wide enough to take all of Otabek in.

“You’re really here,” Yuri whispered out loud, stunned that he hadn’t just dreamt Otabek before.

“I drew you a bath,” Otabek told him, a small smirk on his lips as he carefully moved to pick Yuri up.

The moment the blankets were off of him, Yuri began to shiver. He was so used to the warmth underneath the blankets that the cold hitting his naked legs felt almost like a slap to his face. The thin t-shirt that covered his torso didn’t do much to keep him warm either but when Otabek went to pick him up with one arm underneath his legs and the other behind his shoulders, Yuri instantly cuddled close to him.

He was afraid to look at himself but realising that Otabek was the one who saw him in the worst state he had ever been in, was just as painful. Nevertheless, Yuri let Otabek help him up and carry him to the bathroom. He buried his face in Otabek’s shoulders, breathing in Otabek’s undeniable scent, the one that used to always give him a sense of security and  _ home _ . 

“Can you stand for just a minute?” Otabek asked him, the concern in his voice a stab to Yuri’s heart.

He only nodded but didn’t dare to look at Otabek when he put him down. Yuri held onto Otabek’s shoulders, not sure if his skinny legs would support his tiny self anymore, when Otabek reached out for the hem of his shirt.

“Is this okay?” Otabek asked quietly as Yuri watched his hand on his shirt.

It took a moment for Yuri to understand what Otabek was asking of him but once he got it, he nodded again. He was incredibly embarrassed and he had a feeling he knew what was coming next, yet he still didn’t hesitate to lift his hands when Otabek pulled his shirt over his head. 

Yuri watched carefully from under his eyelashes once his shirt was off and Otabek took him in from head to toe. His boxers were barely hanging on to his boney hips, his thighs so far away from each other that there was basically no muscle left in them. Deep down Yuri knew exactly what his body had turned into but so far, he was the only one who had been forced to see him this way.

“Yura,” Otabek whispered again, the word laced with pain and something Yuri thought was guilt.

Yuri couldn’t stand the look of hurt on Otabek’s face, the tears that were about to spill from his eyes and the sorrow that was displayed in the creases on his forehead. He took a shaky step forward and cautiously snuck his arms around Otabek’s middle, resting his head on Otabek’s chest.

“I’m fine,” Yuri said once more but everytime he repeated those word, they lost more of their actual meaning. 

He enjoyed Otabek’s arms around him, his warm breath on his neck and his hand buried in his thinning hair. Yuri knew he had lost a lot of his shine overall but he hadn’t been too bothered by it until now. He didn’t have anyone anymore who he had to be perfect for. The only person who needed to be alright with him these days was himself and he just didn’t care enough anymore.

Yuri noticed the cool tears from Otabek’s eyes dropping on his blemished skin but too soon, Otabek leaned back and broke the moment between them.

“Let’s get you into the bathtub while the water is still hot,” Otabek said, swallowing an imaginary lump in his throat as he obviously tried to collect himself.

There were a billion things Yuri wanted to tell him then, an apology was only one of them. 

Instead he just nodded again. He reached for his boxers and pulled them down without a second thought, holding on to Otabek again with one hand to steady himself. Otabek helped him step out of his underwear before he held him by his arm and around his waist to help Yuri into the tub. Not long after, Yuri was finally sitting in the hot water, the temperature of it on the right side between painful and perfect.

Yuri carefully let his hands wander on top of the surface of the bubbly water, the feeling of weightlessness waking him up a little more. He couldn’t remember the last time he showered or took a bath which made this now even more special.

Otabek sat on the closed toilet seat next to him, watching his every move but Yuri almost drowned him out. He was preoccupied with the soap bubbles, his slim fingers poking them, and the water surrounding him. Only when Otabek quietly asked him if he could wash his back, did Yuri look up at him. He surprised himself when he registered the small, grateful smile on his own face.

The one Otabek rewarded him with was a lot less sad than anything he had seen on him since he found him sitting next to him before. 

Yuri only nodded. Neither one of them said anything while Otabek gently cleaned his back with a soft cloth. His hair was getting wet but Yuri had no energy to properly wash it. He may enjoy the bath but his hair would have to wait until next time.

“I’ll be back in a few minutes,” Otabek eventually said, pressing a quick and unexpected kiss to Yuri’s forehead.

Yuri was so taken aback that he didn’t even respond. He just watched as Otabek walked away and left the bathroom, a flashback to the last time he had watched Otabek walk away instantly coming back to the forefront of his mind.

This time was different though, Yuri had to remind himself. He tried hard to convince himself that Otabek would come back, that he didn’t travel all this way just to leave Yuri on is own naked in a bathtub. This had to be different.

Just before Yuri had a chance to actually panic, Otabek did come back a couple of minutes later. He still had that tiny gorgeous smile on his face, the one Yuri recalled from his memory more often than he was willing to admit.

“Are you done?” Otabek asked. “I made us some tea.”

Yuri nodded and went to stand up but he soon realised that he wasn’t going to be able to get up on his own. Otabek seemed to notice that too as he went to help Yuri get out of the tub.

He wrapped him up a huge fluffy towel and walked Yuri back to his bedroom. There was a long pair of jogging bottoms and a huge oversized t-shirt already laid out on his bed when they reached the bedroom. Otabek helped him get dressed and settle him back in bed. 

“Are you okay?” Otabek asked as he passed Yuri a steaming hot cup of tea.

Yuri took a careful sip from it. He closed his eyes briefly, basking in the scent of the green tea and how wonderful it felt running down his dried-up throat.

“Hmm,” he hummed, carefully balancing the cup in his hands.

Otabek went to sit down on the bed right next to him, not far away but not close enough either if it was up to Yuri. The silence between them was stretching on as they both avoided looking at each other, only stealing glances towards the other whenever they weren’t looking back. 

“What happened to you, Yura?” Otabek asked, desperation in every word he spoke.

Yuri swallowed hard. He expected this conversation since he had spotted Otabek in his bedroom but that didn’t mean that he was prepared for it. He had ignored every single attempt from his friends to get him to talk, to trust them and confide in them, but this now, this was Otabek and Yuri wasn’t strong enough to pretend anymore. 

“You left me,” Yuri said quietly, taking a chance to steal a glance over at Otabek who looked incredibly hurt by what he just said. “My grandpa left me and my talent left me. There’s nothing worth fighting for anymore.”

“You know that’s not true,” Otabek cut in immediately and at some point Yuri might have believed that but he had spent too much time in his own head to trust Otabek now. 

“It is,” Yuri simply replied, taking another sip from his tea before Otabek took the mug out of his hands. He watched as Otabek placed both of their teas on the bedside table before he turned around to him again, this time closer than before, their thighs touching and Otabek’s hand automatically flying up to the side of Yuri’s face.

“You know how much I love you,” Otabek said lovingly, seemingly inspecting every inch of his fallen face, “I always have and I always will.”

Yuri reached up as well then, placing his hand on top of Otabek’s again only to take both their hands down into his lap. “Then why did you leave me?” he whispered, staring at their entwined fingers, unwilling to let go.

“I didn’t leave you, Yura,” Otabek spoke softly. “We both decided to end things. It was a mutual decision.”

Swallowing to stall for a moment, Yuri was scared to say what he was about to admit but he suspected there would not come a better opportunity to do it. “No, it wasn’t.”

Otabek looked irritated when he asked, “What do you mean?”

Yuri still avoided Otabek’s eyes on him, the ones he still wanted to get lost in after all this time. “I never wanted to break up,” he confessed, “I only agreed because I thought you stopped loving me and I didn’t want to force you to be with me.”

“Yura,” Otabek said, squeezing his hand, “I didn’t want to break up because I stopped loving you. I thought it would be best to end things because we were both suffering being so far away all the time and rarely seeing each other. I thought it was the right thing to do. I had no idea it would turn out like this.”

The silent tears rolling down Otabek’s cheeks spoke of guilt and shame and pain after realising how much Yuri had suffered, even though it was exactly that what he had apparently tried to avoid.

“You didn’t even come to grandpa’s funeral,” Yuri stated, still hurt when he thought about that specific day. After everything they had gone through together, he had still expected Otabek to come the funeral. When that hadn’t happened, Yuri’s world had cracked a little more.

“I didn’t want to mess with you,” Otabek explained himself. “I thought you would be better off without me and I didn’t want to intrude on your life.”

Yuri just huffed sadly, noticing now how he had started to cry again as well. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do with all this new information. It felt like his barely beating heart was shattering into a thousand pieces. 

“I had no idea how bad things had gotten until Victor and Yakov contacted me,” Otabek confessed. “You shut everyone out, Yura. They’re all so worried about you and you just ignored them. They didn’t know what else to do, so they called me.”

Holding on to Otabek’s hand, Yuri wasn’t ever letting go again. He thought that if he did, it would be the final push he needed to finally make his peace and let everyone move on without him to worry about.

“I’m sorry,” Yuri said, refusing to look Otabek in the eyes, afraid of the rejection he might find there. “I didn’t mean to trouble anyone.”

“I know,” Otabek said, “but that’s the problem, Yura. They all care about you so much, otherwise they wouldn’t be so worried. Let us help you get back on your feet.”

It was awful to hear how desperate Otabek sounded, how pleading his words were. Yuri knew he could never say no to him.

“Stay with me,” Yuri whispered more to himself than Otabek. “Don’t leave me again.”

Otabek then pulled him close, wrapping his arms around Yuri’s shivering body. “I’m not making that mistake again,” he mumbled right into Yuri’s hair, rubbing soothing circles into his fragile back.

When Otabek leaned back again after what felt like an eternity, Yuri did look at him. His eyes were as red as his own probably were. He hated to see what he had done to him, how seeing him hurt Otabek. Yuri never wanted to see Otabek so pained and desperate again.

“I love you, Beka,” Yuri whispered, “and I don’t know what to do without you.”

Otabek leaned in and kissed Yuri carefully. It was a simple touch, an  _ innocent _ touch of two starving pairs of lips longing for each other. 

“You’re not alone in this, Yura,” Otabek said when he broke the kiss, their foreheads touching and their hands clinging to each other. “I love you and I’m not going to leave you again.”

They kissed again but Yuri soon didn’t have any energy left in him. He snuggled close to Otabek, feeling secure and at home for the first time in a long while. 

“Thank you,” Yuri mumbled against Otabek’s chest.

“For what?” Otabek asked curiously, the sound of his voice just as tired as he must have felt then.

Yuri forced himself even closer to Otabek. He wasn’t ready to let go and he was sure he never would be.

He smiled as much as he was able to, which wasn’t a whole lot, and Otabek couldn’t see his face anyway, but Yuri was still feeling content for a moment when he said, “For coming back.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts and/or opinions? I hope this wasn't too bad... 
> 
> Thank you for reading if you stuck with it until the end! <3


End file.
